If you know me well, you know that I absolutely, unequivocally, unrepentantly love John Mayer. On many levels, as a person, as a musician, as a celebrity. I’ve been a fan of his for about a decade now, and my love has only grown throughout his career. I’ve never cared about his relationships, I’ve never paid that close of attention to his personal life; I’ve been satisfied looking at his pretty lips, reading articles (from real magazines, not gossip blogs), and listening to his music. If you look at my last.fm, he’s my number one overall everything on every chart. That’s saying quite a bit, because I listen to a lot of music. I honestly thought there’d be nothing he could to that would change my opinion of him, ever. The rest of the world labeled him a douchebag for little media snippets and soundbites, while I appreciated his candidness, the fact that he was willing to open himself up and say off the wall shit, knowing how those that hated him would perceive him. How he didn’t let that stop him from saying what was on his mind. I appreciated that. Until yesterday.
Yesterday, as I’m sure you know, (along with my feelings about it if you follow me on Twitter) an article on Playboy.com was released to the world, and many of his fans, me most definitely included, were shocked to read much of what he said. Things like this:
Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’”
I was just reeling from that. I re-read it a few times, like “did he seriously just say that? seriously?” Now I completely understand what he was trying to say. He was attempting to explain that he didn’t really have a hood pass (which is basically when black people love you so much, we almost consider you one of us) he’d be able to say the n-word. And since he can’t say that, he doesn’t really have one. He went on to explain that realizes white privilege but negated that by saying he identifies in a way with the black struggle, on a one-on-one level. He could have made that point without saying that word. He is white, and therefore he is not able to say that word without repercussions. Only black people, and sometimes not even black people, are able to say that word and obviously be devoid of racist intent. Therefore, no one else can say it, in my book. It doesn’t matter the context. You just do not say it. Period.
I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.
It’s no secret that I’ve said if given the opportunity, I’d make sweet, sweet groupie love to John Mayer. Something about him just does it for me. I think he’s gorgeous. But it didn’t bother me that he said he’s not physically attracted to women of color. I completely understand preferences, there are plenty of people that aren’t attracted to members of an opposite race. It was the way he said it. Comparing your dick to David Duke? Ugh. And he didn’t stop there, he went on to talk about the black women he does find attractive, managing to be even more offensive to women as a whole:
I always thought Holly Robinson Peete was gorgeous. Every white dude loved Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And Kerry Washington. She’s superhot, and she’s also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she’d be like, “Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever.” And you’d be like, “What? We weren’t talking about that.” That’s what “Heartbreak Warfare” is all about, when a girl uses jealousy as a tactic.
What the hell is white girl crazy?
I went deeper into the interview, but when he talked about Jessica Simpson as if all she were to him were a great piece of ass he enjoyed pounding, and then stopped himself short, not out of a realization he may offend her, but out of a respect for Jennifer Aniston, I couldn’t stomach anymore. I’m glad, because I was informed later that he went on to say more offensive things. To the point where I would believe him if he later claims to have been drunk or cracked out or something while giving the interview.
Yesterday, I was livid. I was hurt and disappointed and livid. I deleted everything scheduled to publish on Fuck Yeah! John Mayer, posted a snippet of the interview and left it at that. I was seriously tempted to delete the entire site but I realize how trigger happy I am, and how rash I can be, so I held off. I attempted to figure out what the hell I was going to do with my tickets to his show on March 15th, something I’ve been seriously looking forward to, for months. I wasn’t sure if I could go, if I could stomach listening to him trying to be clever and entertaining when I no longer felt him to be for that long, in person. Not only that, but much of the fun of going was being able to lust after him in person, and reading that article yesterday, immediately when I read that he said the n-word, all of that dissipated. As I went further into the interview, I was almost sad that I’d ever thought of him that way. My loins no longer ache at the thought of him, and his penis can continue on being a white supremacist.
As the day went on, I read his apology on Twitter and I believe it was genuine; he sounded completely defeated in those few lines, but he only apologized for the use of that word. He didn’t apologize for the misogyny, for the homophobic slurs, for the other offensive quotes. He should have apologized for the interview as a whole.
I talked to a friend about it, in depth, a fellow John Mayer fan and woman of color. Neither us believe John Mayer is a racist. He’s not a racist. He just really lacks that brain to mouth filter that most people have developed I believe he’s become so jaded with how he perceives himself in the media, that he says crazy things to deflect how fragile his ego probably really is and to prevent an interviewer, a paparazzo, a twitter follower, whomever, from being able to get under his skin before he can get under it himself. I do not know him of course, but this is just what I’ve felt. We both decided that we would sit and wait, we would watch closely what he did between now and forever to make this right, what he’d say, how he’d act. We’d hold off on our boycott of him completely, tossing out his music and everything else to do with him for a little while. I thought about how angry I was at Michael Vick – how angry I still am – but reading his apology after he was released made me realize that it was alright to let him continue on with his life and make something positive come out of this. I thought about how I’d easily forgiven Chris Brown for the physical damage he did to Rihanna. Those things were so much worse than this – this was a mistake of much lesser proportions.
This morning in my email I had a link to John Mayer’s apology last night at his Nashville show. I watched, and saw that man standing in front of thousands of people, so vulnerable, fighting back his tears with that nervous tick, pulling on his fingers and attempting to make some sort of amends, I was touched. I’ve maintained the entire time that he didn’t mean to offend, but that it didn’t take away from what he said.
So now, I’m not sure how I feel anymore. A little piece of my heart broke yesterday, the wind was completely taken out of my sails, which may sound silly but I really don’t care. I connected to him through his music and it hurts that he was so callous, almost like it would if these things were said in a blog post written by one of you – my friends. I still don’t know if I’ll be going to that show on March 15th. I thought yesterday that if I could separate his music from his person, like I can Michael Richards from Kramer when I watch Seinfeld reruns, that I could still go. My tickets are non-transferable, non-refundable and I spent much too much money on them, but I don’t think that’s possible. Maybe in between now and then, as my head levels, as I stop being angry, I’ll be able to appreciate him as a person again and have no qualms about going. I’m unsure.
All I know is while I’m still perturbed, I’m not as angry today as I was yesterday. I’m taking a breather from him and his music for awhile. Hopefully, I can get around this – never over it – and continue on with my fandom. Time will tell.
{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
Because it’s all about me, when I read this post, I just thought “Maria must really hate me for using that word when I do.” I use it when it makes sense, given the story I’m writing for my posts, and when it’s clear that it’s not me saying it, but the person I’m parodying.
February 13, 2010 at 9:31 am
No, I don’t mind that really. Well – I don’t LIKE it – and if I had it my way you wouldn’t do it, but I get it. It’s like the last time John Mayer said the n-word at a comedy show, Sherrod Small said he was repeating something that Dave Chapelle said to him that ended with ‘my nigga’. Those types of things, literature, things like that – REAL political statements like John Lennon’s ‘Woman’, that’s all fine.
Thought you should know that I never got an email notification of your reply, even though I was subscribed. If you reply through the dashboard, it won’t email the person. Just an FYI.
(No, Adam, you’re just an ass. But “our ass” none the less.) ;)
Maria, I grew up in a family where racism was the very fabric of their lives. I have always and will always refuse to use that word. I think the context in which he used it was flippant at best, but not blatantly racist. However, each person has different connotations for specific ‘hot words’ and I think this one is pretty much negative for everyone.
February 13, 2010 at 9:35 am
No, it wasn’t racist to say, but it was flippant, yes, and arrogant and if you read that article as a whole and what came beneath it, it makes it all the worst. He just…sigh.
I started a post in draft yesterday about this, because as much as I hate hot button topics, there is one thing in life I cannot abide, and that is people saying that word.
Unless you are The Roots. I’m a hypocrite. But I still turn it down when that part of the song comes.
I don’t know, dude. I had a “hood pass” my whole life, and I think THAT phrase offends me as much as the word does. I’m just tired of white people making light of 200 some years of genocide. I don’t think I can forgive him those comments.
Be an ass who is cocky and self-absorbed and a womanizer; whatever, you’re a rich, white, famous musician. Par for the course. Casually throw around vile hate speech because you can play a slide steel guitar and I think I have to hate you.
Not you, him. You I love.
February 13, 2010 at 9:44 am
That’s not hypocritical. Not at all. Nigga was a big part of my everyday speak before I had my daughters. It was out of maturity, and being in an interracial relationship and having a mixed daughter that I realized it wasn’t alright for me to say it anymore (I wasn’t trying to explain to them why mommy could say it and daddy couldn’t earlier than necessary).
Now, I don’t. My mom and grandparents do, my best friend does, but they all respect my wishes and not around my daughters although sometimes it slips out, just like when I’m NOT around my girls it may slip out from me when I’m with my best friend or grandmother because they say it quite a bit. Those occasions, from me, are extremely rare. I’ve pretty much broken that habit, that word isn’t in my vocabulary anymore.
But I’m half black, it’s a word that means nothing but ‘fellow black person’ or sometimes just ‘male of whatever race’ to me, and I can do that. I really believe that by that word John Mayer didn’t mean any harm, but really – how hard is it to look down at your complexion and realize ‘wait, no, lemmie not say that?’.
Because I am not a woman of color, I had to relate this to the negative thing he could say about ME and figure out how I feel about it. I know that takes away from something because being called a “fat bitch” is nowhere near as someone dropping the n-word but you know, trying to relate.
I think he said it best when he talked about trying to be clever. We’ve all tried to be funny and have said some really heinous shit. At the same time, not saying that stuff in the first place? Probably would have been the best thing.
Like you said, it’s okay to say you are not attracted to a certain race of people. I always say that I am only attracted to Caucasian or Hispanic men and feel fine because it’s just a preference like loving blonds or guys with light eyes (which ew, no thanks). John Mayer was an ass about it and was unnecessarily douchey about the whole thing.
Sorry to ramble. Clearly I don’t know how I feel either.
February 13, 2010 at 9:46 am
I’m glad you are confused too, haha. Most people are like ‘I don’t care, I hated him’, ‘he’s not racist, I still love him!’ or ‘fuck him, now he can suck it’. Everyone is so secure in what they feel, I feel stupid for being conflicted. Sigh.
I tried to read the article yesterday and I simply couldn’t get through it. It was so incredibly offensive on so many different levels.
I understand not knowing what you would do with the concert tickets. I love his music and am not sure I can listen to it after reading that.
How can I continue to believe he is insightful and romantic with all that ick running around in my mind?
February 13, 2010 at 9:49 am
I haven’t yet watched his VH1 storytellers show. It’s just sitting there, waiting for me to push play, and I can’t. I don’t know if I ever will have the urge to listen to him again, without having to force it. I’m really pissed that he’s basically zapped me of so much enjoyment that I’ve had for so very long.
February 11, 2010 at 12:21 pm
I think this is exactly the right tone to take. I agree in that I don’t think he’s racist, but I also think that when you do need to be careful *even* if you think you’ve got a pass. Out of respect.
I don’t love JM the way you do/did/will? but I even *I* know the man oozes talent…and as the mother of a boy who plays a quite wicked guitar himself AND loves him some JM I can appreciate that.
After looking at the apology, it’s really hard to hate a man who can lay himself that bare. Really, it is. And you’re right. Everyone makes mistakes. Whether or not they learn from them, only time will tell.
(Sorry this is so long, I probably could have written a whole POST on this post alone, but you know…I’m not)
February 13, 2010 at 9:51 am
“After looking at the apology, it’s really hard to hate a man who can lay himself that bare. Really, it is.”
Yes. This. It was the finger pulling thing. That’s a natural, a genuine tick that comes from you trying to get something out through real, real tears. I pull my ear, kids poke out their bottom lips, some people sniff incessantly.
What the tears were for though, that’s the question. Are they tears of remorse for what he said, or for the reaction?
Wow. There is always an apology isn’t there? Always some attempt to press the reset button, when, there is no reset button for some things. Once you’ve put it out into the universe, its out. I do believe in second chances, and I also believe that some people are idiots who are never held accountable for their actions, therefore, they feel they can say and do whatever they want to because either everyone will just forgive or forget over time. SMH. I’m not a fan of his, just because I never got into him, so I don’t have the same task of trying to figure him out… just irritated overall with peoples’ level of ignorance and their ability to apologize for it as a means of trying to soften their blow.
February 13, 2010 at 9:53 am
Some things that are obvious mistakes, to me, are easier to forgive. Because I believe he made a mistake, I can consider believing him. I don’t see a racist there. I see a stupid white guy who thought he could say some things about race in a really clever way and failed miserably.
Taking an example from the post, Michael Richards – that was different. That was pure bile he was spewing out, it came from some ugly, racist depths, and it was obvious. This, to me, did not.
I’ve never particularly been a fan of John Mayer. Nor was I one of those who considered him a douchebag. I just…didn’t consider him.
Now in light of his comments I am leaning towards douchebag. I saw his apology and how he said he just wanted to be “raw” blah blah blah. Did he ever stop to think that “raw” doesn’t mean complete insensitive idiot. Ugh.
I can’t say whether or not John Mayer is a racist. I only know what I read. I don’t know what he does and says when he’s amongst friends.
That said…I’m inclined to believe he’s not. I do however know one thing… he is an idiot.
And lord help him with a little sensitivy training and maybe a muzzle.
February 13, 2010 at 9:54 am
I think you hit the nail on the head with all that you said.
I personally believe as a person with intense media scrutiny and fame all brought about because of his talent and his courting of it, he has a responsibility to either keep his mouth shut or speak with more thought.
However as a person who repeatedly suffers from her own foot in mouth syndrome, I can’t help but feel a little sorry for him.
I still hate his music though.
There is a musician out there (and I ain’t telling you who cuz I want you to respect me still and not beat me up) who I felt much the same way about the way you did Mayer. Then the singer I adored opened his mouth and spewed political garbage that made my skin crawl.
It took me a while to separate the fantasy of the man I believed he was from the performer he is. I realized I probably would think he was a douche in real life, which is disappointing considering how many times I had sex with him in my head, but since I wasn’t likely ever to be in the same room with him, I allowed myself to just love his music and enjoy his talent as an artist.
I hope you get there with Mayer. Because we all need a little music in our lives, even if it is from a douche.
February 13, 2010 at 9:55 am
OMG WHO?! Ted Nugent?! Henry Rollins?(They were all that came to mind.) Torture, torture, Tanis. Not fair.
I hope to get there. John Mayer is the one who’s inspired Bella to play guitar.
This isn’t the first time he’s gotten in trouble for saying the n-word. I like John’s music but he’s a complete and utter douche bag.
http://stereogum.com/archives/john-mayer-finally-does-standup-comedy_002777.html
February 13, 2010 at 9:58 am
I saw Sherrod Small on TMZ a long time ago talking about that, he said that guy was full of shit, that it didn’t happen that way, that John said nigga once and when repeating something that Dave Chappelle said to him after the taping of the episode he was on. No one else in the audience said John did all that, so I was inclined to believe the guy just wanted a little publicity for his own endeavors, since I think I trust Sherrod (HE’S HILARIOUS AND BLACK).
I think John Mayer has a lot of talent and no fucking brains. Seriously – the more he says in general, the more I can’t stand him. Shut up and fucking PLAY, dude! I’m not a big fan of his, never have been, but I do recognize the talent when I see it. However, even though I worship Dave Grohl, and kind of see him as this all around great guy (for not knowing him personally), I can see how if he said this shit I’d be like, “Whaaa ??!!!”, and completely disillusioned. I guess, really, what we need to keep in mind is that we don’t know shit about these people. I don’t think John’s a racist, I think he says stupid shit on a regular basis. I do think if he wasn’t famous, I wouldn’t hang out with him, based on his douchiness. Like, if he was some guy in a bar, I’d be disgusted by the dumb shit I suppose comes out of his mouth.
Oh, and my friend’s sister did date him and said he was a tool. So maybe I’m biased after hearing that!
However, there’ve been a ton of musicians who stay and do some really heinous shit, and even though I don’t like THEM, I might still like their music.
I was helpful, huh?! Yeesh.
February 13, 2010 at 9:59 am
DAVE GROHL IS AN AMAZING PERSON. He’d never do something like this, ever!!!!!!!
Well, I’ve only read what you posted above. And I have always liked John Mayer but never in a super-fan type of way… How does anyone say so many racist and sexist comments and then apologize for them? As if he didn’t realize that people would be offended? Um, what?
I’m sorry that someone you absolutely adored has fallen so incredibly short of your expectations.
February 13, 2010 at 10:00 am
I’m sorry too. :( There have been tears blinked back over this whole debacle, if you can believe it.
I don’t think he’s a real racist or anything other than a self-absorbed,douche bag who tries to hard to appear edgy and clever. He’s only crying and issuing “hear felt” apologies because so many people are actually pissed. Usually, we just get little snippets and sound bites of his idiocy, which are easier to ignore, but here’s a full on, feature article where he is given every opportunity to show us what he’s about… and he did… and it aint pretty. So, you have to ask yourself, can you like his music, even though he has the personality of a white, pleather belt? It’s possible. I have never liked, or been attracted to him- so it’s easy for me- I’m like, “so what else is new? Baron VonDouchenstein speaks again.” But for you, maybe those lips have been clouding your judgement up until now?
February 13, 2010 at 10:03 am
See, I’ve been reading and watching entire interviews and articles his whole career. It was everyone else that relied on snippets and sound bites. He’s never (as far as I know) said anything remotely similar to this. He’s said some dumb shit before, but it never changed how I felt: none of it was offensive, to anyone. It was self deprecating and introspective, a bit nutty and always entertaining.
Nothing clouded my judgment, but this has opened my eyes.
Really, there’s no law against making an ass of onesself- and I’m imagine that those who actually know him personally, would tell you that there is more to him than the stupid things he says (Lord, I hope there is more)- and while the jury is still out as far as I am concerned as to how genuine his apologies are- maybe this little episode will be his wake up call to think before he speaks. A lot of people, me included, think idiot, asshat things all day long- but the difference is in the filtering that comes before the speaking-
I love John’s music, but don’t really care for him outside of his music. I get the feeling of an insecure kid who wanted to be one of the cool kids but was WAY too smart for them, so he tried too hard. Thing is, he’s STILL trying too hard. The (sometimes) pithy comments and asides he throws here-and-there, the Borat swimsuit gag on his cruise, making out with Perez Hilton… to me it all reeks of trying to cover up insecurity. But he seems to have lost his common sense somewhere along the line. Open mouth to insert foot and swallowed his own ball-sack by mistake.
My husband, who is black, has a very interesting perspective on the “n” word. He grew up in Richmond, CA, in the 60′s and 70′s when the Black Panther party was starting, marching down the street in front of their house so he learned a lot at a very young age. He says that if a black person can use the “n” word, so can a white person. Hmmm – this baffled me for a while. However, he has never allowed that word in our house, our sons wouldn’t be caught dead saying it, and they certainly don’t use the fact that they’re 1/2 black to justify using it. My husband reared them that regardless of WHO says it, the word is derogatory towards black people, and it’s just as offensive when black folks use it. As a matter of fact, my husband feels it’s even MORE offensive when a black person uses the “n” word because he says “Why would we want to call ourselves something slave masters call us?” It would kind of be like me constantly calling myself a “sinner” because of the religious retoric in which I was raised where I was called that every day constantly. He often has said that black people need to stand up and stop condoning other black people using that word. I don’t argue with him. I really can’t. I’m a white girl who has never used that word, and I respect my husband’s wisdom.
I adore John Mayer. I saw him long, long time ago, strumming his guitar at a place in Seattle, before he hit the big time, and was completely mesmerised by his pure, liquid voice. I think that John purposely says things to shock the media. He has a disdain for the media, but at the same time needs them in order to sell records. Catch 22. The playboy interview wasn’t all that shocking to me, because I’d read his invterview in Rolling Stone which was just as crazy.
I personally wouldn’t believe 1/2 of what is printed in the media from John’s mouth because I think most of it is a front to stir up attention and use the media to bring that attention his way. I’d like to see John do a REAL interview that wasn’t completely fueled by his ego, and was actually fueled by his heart. I just don’t believe we are seeing the REAL John Mayer, you know?
February 22, 2010 at 3:25 pm
I respect your husband’s view, I understand it somewhat.
I have that Rolling Stone, as well as the recent Details right here by my bed. Nothing he said was offensive. So, I was surprised. Very.
WOW. I overheard dome of what he said, but I try to stay out of celebrity gossip. Shoot, you could say I stay out of celebrity life altogether. But that was down right disrespectful on all levels. I dont listen to him, or maybe I do and just dont know. I dont pay that much attention. My question, why would anyone think they could speak in this way?
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I’m Black, and I’m not a John Mayer fan; I think his music is just ok. I wouldn’t bother to buy a CD of his nor download any of his music. Before today, I didn’t know a lot about him personally. However, I did know who he was, and I would’ve recognized him if I saw him on the street. I’ve noticed him in the company of a fair amount of Black people in the past, so by assumption alone I’ve never thought him to be racist. After reading the article, I still don’t think he’s racist. But I can see him being misunderstood and rejected a lot just for what he says alone.
That said, I don’t like it when people use the n-word. I don’t use it myself and don’t want anyone referring me to being that, period. I’d rather other Black people not use it, but I think they have the choice to use it and are entitled to their own opinion concerning it. I don’t think any White (or non-Black) person are somehow “bestowed” the privilege to use it. In that sense, it makes what he said in the article contradictory. Thus, the most offensive thing he said in the article wasn’t the n-word; it was “Black people love me.”
After reading the article, I’ve come to sort of like John Mayer, and I can accept his contradictions. I do identify with (and appreciate) him to some extent because the way he thinks and processes things is similar to how I think and process things. That said, I can dissociate liking someone from supporting someone. If I had ever considered buying a CD or concert tixs or t-shirt, I would have no intentions of doing so now. If I were a fan prior to reading this article, I’d stop supporting him monetarily. And I wonder if he would ever consider that a repercussion of his behavior, since we really don’t fit his consumer demographic.
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