My brother has H.I.V.
My 17 year old brother.
My only brother.
I was wrong.
I don’t even know what to say. I’m so sorry for him. I’m so sad for him. I’m so angry at him. I’m so worried about him.
He’s so young. He’s so easily manipulated, so trusting, so desiring of everyone’s approval. I’m in shock, but I’m not surprised. He wasn’t being careful. He’s very stubborn, and despite my warnings, he didn’t listen about selectively choosing partners, and using protection.
I haven’t cried. My eyes stung a bit when I first heard, but since then, none have festered. I wanted to take my mind off of it, so I decided to watch The L Word. Season three, episode eleven. Dana’s funeral. I realized 5 minutes into it that I was crying. What the fuck? I mean, I can’t shed tears for my brother, but I can over some character on a television show?
Really Maria? Really??
I feel like a monster.
I’ve sat here thinking about how the rest of his life will be marred by this. It’s not the average teenage mistake that you overcome and don’t have to think about or deal with for the rest of your life because it’s over – this is something that he will carry with him always.
I talk to him and I don’t think he recognizes the magnitude of his situation yet. He tells me that he suspected it, because he’d heard that someone he dealt with in the past had it. He’s not really surprised. He’s dealing with it well right now, but I know it’ll get to him at some point. I can’t imagine the roller coaster of emotions that he’s going to experience.
I asked his permission to blog this and we talked about it for a while. He gave it to me. I told him that if he wanted to use my blog to vent anything that he was welcome to, and he said he would. Maybe one day in the future you all will get to meet him. I told him how wonderful you all are, and I told him about the support you’d give. I think it’d be a positive thing for him.
I know he’ll be able to live a long and healthy life. But damn. He’s just a kid.
It took me three fucking hours to get out this one little post. But the good news is that I am now sobbing all over my keyboard. Bittersweet release. I think it’s because I’m listening to this song, and this version of it reaches into my soul:
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(Edit – 09.04.08 @ 11am) The news has settled. I think. I’ve accepted it. I think. I’m feeling almost normal. I think.
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Oh, Maria, that just fucking sucks.
(By the way – I don’t see a song!)
Sucks, hard core fucking sucks.
I’m pissed. And sad.
xoxoxo
The latest from Sybil Law…Half Naked Thursday
I’m so very sorry, Maria. Please don’t be hard on yourself. You are NO monster. It is very common to be able to cry at movies, TV, etc., but not at our own lives. Maybe it is safer to cry at things that are not our own life story.
Sending hugs your way. And prayers for your brother. He is a baby, but I’m glad he has you to lean on.
I am so so so sorry, honey. And yeah, you don’t have to cry. Some of us never cry. It’s ok.
The latest from Mr Lady…Denver DNC Recap: The Important Stuff Part Two
For some reason I have the hardest time crying when it’s my life. When it’s someone else’s, or TV, or a book, the tears are freeflowing.
Like now for instance. Because I was SO young when I was 17, and I just can’t even wrap my mind around what’s going on with your brother.
The latest from Miss Grace…In dream land, Wednesdays are my day off
A
Awwwwww sweetie, I am so sorry. I don’t know how to articulate to you that you are NOT a monster.
Please know that I’ll be holding you and your brother in my thoughts and prayers.
Audrey
The latest from Auds…Its MY Body and I’ll Do With it What I Damn Well Please!
I’m so sorry Maria. I was worried when I saw your Tweet. Love you always and blessings to your family and your brother. xoxo
P.S. You are not a monster.
You are not a monster because you are pissed at him. It’s a sign you love him. I am so sorry.
The latest from T@SendChocolate…We Interrupt This Blog For An Important Announcement
Oh fuck.
I am so, so sorry.
He is lucky to have you in his corner. He’s going to need your strength, sense of humor, and compassion. Thank God he has you.
The latest from Ginny…Roast Chicken & Me, Me, ME!!!!
Maria, I’m so sorry. My girls’ uncle has been HIV positive for over 20 years now. That’s not to say that it’s not serious, of course, but there’s much more reason to hope these days. Hold onto that. Your brother’s going to need it. I look forward to meeting him here.
I love you.
The latest from April…I Need a Countdown Ticker
I’m so sorry, Maria. Your little brother is lucky to have such a loving, strong, and yes, very human sister.
The latest from ali…Linkage: "Feminist" role models in film
Maria………
I don’t know where to begin. This is like when my grandmother found out she had lung cancer and didn’t have long to live. My grandmother was closer to me than my mom. Shit is rough.
HIV isn’t the end all thing it used to be. Medicine is so much better now. Be there for him without the sad feelings. He is still your brother and still here. Love him.
You’re no monster. Life is funny about shit like this. You will both be fine and in time all things shall pass, mainly your feelings. Sometimes things just take something else to affect us or more time to hit us.
If you ever want to talk or need an ear……..
Always love.
You’re not a monster. You’re a normal human being who will run the gammut of emotions when dealing with potential crisis and tragedy. He will eventually too, as do millions of others that have or love someone that has a disease.
hugs for you
The latest from Lilacspecs…Wordless Wednesday: Going Bananas
I am so glad to hear that you are releasing it – there will be more but this is a beginning. If you need me you know how to reach me.
The latest from Renee aka MekhisMom…Making A Difference
September 4, 2008 at 12:46 am
You know that for some of us, it’s easier to feel about the things that we should feel nothing about. If you hadn’t gotten to the crying on the lappy phase,Ii’d suggest chick flicks. Cuz they work for me.
It will be okay. I love you.
The latest from Zoeyjane…On bringing back cool
You are strong and probably a problem solver- the one in an emergency when everyone else is frieking out and running around, calmy taking care of business and doing what needs to be done. Good thing for him you are that person- he doesn’t need another person crying and mourning this- he needs someone strong to guide him and remain rational. Chances are, with good medical care and attitude- he can outlive this thing- Stay strong, and I am so sorry.
The latest from Margie…
So not a monster. But a wonderful sister. I think it’s a very natural first reaction … sibling relationships are very complex.
I am so sorry Maria. Hugs to you, your brother, your family.
The latest from Karen MEG…"Wordless Wednesday"
They weren’t “right” – they weren’t being loving or respectful and that wasn’t right either way.
You are not a monster. Sometimes we get beyond the tears, too emotional to even cry.
You love your brother – anyone can see that. I’m so, so sorry for this happening to both of you. I wish I could give you a big hug right now.
The latest from Rachael…Couldn’t Stay Wordless…
I don’t have any words for this–just know that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers as you pick up and move on.
The latest from Elizabeth…Homes I Love
So sorry to hear this news. Thankfully they have effective treatment for HIV now.
The latest from Daddy Dan…The New Fall TV Season
Dude. I rarely cry over my Dad, however tv makes me sob. I get ya.
And damn. This sucks.
The latest from Dawn…A Prayer for 2008
a shoulder.
an ear.
and hugs.
The latest from the planet of janet…A tale of two shopping trips
I’ve never been quite in your shoes, but I do know that shock sometimes keeps tears and even some feelings at bay. That’s probably what it’s supposed to do. You are all in my thoughts – lots to process, definitely. Hugs to you.
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Damn, I’m so sorry.
The latest from dysfunctional mom…Ladies, this is not pretty.
Oooh… Maria…. I’m sooo sorry.
Across the Universe…. wonderful version of the song… makes me cry every time. Especially now, for you and your brother… :( I actually am crying now for you. ((It’s this song, I swear!))
I wish I could come and give you a hug. Definitely, give your brother love and support… when the magnitude of this hits him, he’s gonna need it.
Give him my email too, if he needs somewhere to vent. I’m glad to listen.
*hugs*
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