It started with the Yo Gabba Gabba! song “Be Nice to Everyone“.
“Is that true, mommy?” asked The Bella, “If you’re nice to everyone, they’ll be nice to you too?”
“No.” I answered succinctly.
“So they’re telling a story?”
“Not really, I mean you should always be nice to people but just because you are doesn’t mean some people won’t be assholes anyway.”
“Well, I will be nice.”
“Good. And those that aren’t nice back, fuck ‘em, it’s their problem.”
“Ok!”
***
The Bella starts Kindergarten in 3 weeks (OHMYGOD!) and for the first time really, she’ll come face to face with the fact that not everyone will like her or be nice to her all of the time. I’m dreading trying to help her keep a smile on her face throughout all these experiences and realizations. I don’t remember how my grandparents helped me deal with them, although I’ve never cared much about whether people like me or not.
I want to be liked, of course. No matter what anyone says, they do. Some people work harder for it than others, but it’s true. Even those that claim to want to be disliked revel in the few that back up their offensiveness and gall. Me? I don’t go out of my way to be liked or disliked but I personally think I’m super nice. People do like me, usually.
But, if someone doesn’t? I couldn’t give two shits. Really, is it really my problem? Nope.
I learned that from my marriage: Jason could piss me OFF and I could be angry and yelling all day long. But usually he went off to work and forgot all about it. I sat at home, stewing in my anger, rehearsing good lines to burn him with when he got home and the argument started back up. I would take notes. He’d come back, focused on something that’d happened during the day or in a good mood for whatever reason and be surprised to see I was still holding onto whatever had occurred that morning or the night before. And not at all interested in rehashing it.
It was so stupid, yes? Who’s day did I ruin by being so mad at him? MINE. Not his. Only mine. I was such a dumb ass.
That lesson was reiterated when we split for the final time – while I was still so mad, so hurt, so hateful over everything that had happened between us, it wasn’t affecting him whatsoever. I was making my own self miserable by focusing so much on our tedious past, while he was moving on with his life, not the least bit concerned with how much I loved him or hated him or why.
So I stopped. I learned that only I could control my mood and being livid with him didn’t affect him – it only brought me down.
I want to instill in Bella five main things about interacting with assholes:
1. Be nice to people, even if they aren’t nice back. If they are mean – ignore them until they give you reason not to. Basically – never start a fight, but always finish it.
2. If you’re angry at someone, handle it. If it doesn’t go the way you planned, oh well, get over it. Letting it fester won’t do anything but make you unhappy, and since that’s usually their goal, don’t give them that.
3. The old cliché, ‘misery loves company‘? It’s true. It’s resoundingly true. If someone spends a lot of time bashing, you can pretty much be sure that their life sucks. Their parents hate them or their spouse hates them or their brother hates them or they have no friends or something. I give you a guarantee that it’s accurate about 98% of the time.
4. Not everyone will like you. Everyone will have different reasons, some of them legit, some of them not. None of them matter. Focus on the people that love you, because they will always outnumber those who don’t and if it happens that more people hate you? You need to do some soul searching because you are the problem, not them.
5. The thing that bothers people that want to get to you more than you returning their anger and insults? Ignoring them. Laughing at them. Focusing on the good, rather than giving two shits about their bad. The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. Nothing will piss someone’s guts more than them ranting about/at you and you smirking/ignoring/walking away.
If it happens that the entire world ends up hating her though, for whatever reason, be it that she has a big mouth like her mom or a big head like her dad, I hope that The Bella knows that no matter what, she’ll always have a handful of folks that think she’s the best thing to ever hit Planet Earth.
—————- Listening to: Kings Of Leon – Charmer
{ 48 comments… read them below or add one }
Next Comments →
this is some real shit and i love you even more for this. now you got me thinking. btw, i’m so happy i’m not the only person who uses profanities while talking to my kids. lol
August 2, 2009 at 9:45 am
Oh I curse constantly, around them and when talking with them, but never at them.
People assume that because I do my girls have potty mouths, but that couldn’t be further from the truth – they won’t even say “shut up” or “stupid” or “hate”. They know the difference between grown up words and words that are ok for them to say, maybe because every time I talk they get a prime example. lol
I like you. :) But seriously #4 is so true. Those people who don’t like you are not worth the time or the energy.
Dropping in from Cecily’s…
I was totally worried about DD at kindergarten time but it went surprisingly well. The kids don’t have a whole lot of social/ free play time in today’s academic K like we had back in the day.
First grade (last year) was when the tough lessons came. For one thing they have playground recess time, for another they have lunch time. Both segments of time offer up rejection opportunities. DD’s teacher, her father and I all had to work really hard with her to get her to accept that the one girl she wanted most to be her friend, would not accept her. The girl would melt down and hit DD, and we finally learned that DD was trying to apply the school’s “core virtues”–she was trying to persevere “because Mrs. W says that means you NEVER GIVE UP”. So we had the life lesson of when it is okay to decide not so much to give up…but to try something else that might be better for you. We also had to ask for a seating change in the classroom, though the teacher performed it on her own the day I asked her for a consult about it.
I will say it’s really awesome to watch the kids grow in school. If there is any way you can possibly give some time to volunteer in the classroom, it turns out to mean so much to a child. I’m not sure how much the teachers really care, but I was amazed at how it thrilled my little girl.
August 2, 2009 at 9:43 am
I will definitely be volunteering at the school, if for no other reason than I’m nosey and overbearing and I want those teachers to know that this crazy looking bitch is totally involved in her daughter’s life and I’d best not try NUFFIN.
:P
July 31, 2009 at 10:57 am
You bitch … that just pissed me off! *snort*
Brilliant post!
You have a heart of gold! I am so honored to call you my friend and your daughters are incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful mother. I know you will teach them how to love and be authentic … after all, that is how their mother is!
Love you, babe! xoxox
I live by a lot of this and needed a reminder about # 4. There is a woman who doesn’t like me for whatever reasons (ie. she is a stupidhead) and I’ve ignored her though she continues to bash me to others. I know this because people tell me, and sometimes it bugs me. The way I should look at it is that one day her true colours will really show to our similar circle of friends, if they aren’t already. I kinda feel sorry for her.
Thanks for this great reminder though – I shouldn’t let it get to me but sometimes it creeps in.
U R SMRT.
August 1, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Ha. Yeah, I have a woman doing the same thing to me. People send me emails and links and messages and what not and I skim it all and giggle.
I actually find it as flattering as I do amusing. I’d forgotten she existed, but she’s *still* talking about me. I’m super fucking important. :)
You have NO IDEA how timely this is for me. I am seriously printing out that list and sitting down with The Boy today. He’s going through some weird stuff, playground-wise, and I haven’t been able to put into words what I want to tell him about People. Thank you so much.
Great lessons. My guy started KG on Monday (I KNOW! EARLY!), so I may have to borrow from you. My heart already aches for the first time he finds out that somebody doesn’t like him.
I happen to like you, and think that you’re very nice.
I CAN’T BELIEVE she’ll be in kindergarten!
Also? Rules to live by.
3 weeks you say? YIKES.
Can you please let her know that I’d be honored to be on that list of people that adore her? Especially because I have a feeling she is going to turn out like her mama, and well, I just love her mama.
July 31, 2009 at 12:18 pm
That is REAL TALK. I never, EVER start a fight.
But you can be damn sure I’ll finish it. Every damn time.
Firtsly:
“But usually he went off to work and forgot all about it. I sat at home, stewing in my anger, rehearsing good lines to burn him with when he got home and the argument started back up. I would take notes. He’d come back, focused on something that’d happened during the day or in a good mood for whatever reason and be surprised to see I was still holding onto whatever had occurred that morning or the night before. And not at all interested in rehashing it.”
Wow. It’s like watching an episode of my wife and I when she was pregnant (or when we generaly fight really). It’s good to see that other people do that, it makes me feel more -hold for it-normal. Lol. Anyhow…
Loved this, and I love your parenting.
You constantly keep me excited about parenthood. The most rewarding feeling is teaching someone something that they carry with them for life. This next generation (our children) for the most part are in good hands! All the people in my life (web and real) who I REALLY fuck with know where it’s at, and they aint feeding their kids a bunch of bullshit. This next generation will produce some awesome people, and I cant wait to see the students become the teachers, ya feel me? I mean, we’re still at the begining of this century. This time last century was…aww, I’m rambling.
Good show chap. Keep em coming…
*Oh yea, these past few days on “Daily Buzz”, they’ve been showing footage from the “BLOGHER” convention. Everytime they show the report, I look for you, lol. Of course I never find you, but it’s fun to look.
“*Unless she becomes some raping, murdering maniac that tries to poison me or some shit. Then I’d have to re-evaluate my support of her existence. But that’s an entirely different blog post.”
Always a possibility, lol.
I always appreciate your insight. I am one who cared(s) too much about what people think. I want everyone to be happy. i hate hurting peoples feelings and I hate confrontation. There have been many times when I’ve been hurt (emotionally and physically) because I put myself into situations in fear of hurting the other person.
I am working very hard on not being like that. It sets a horrible example for my kids. I need to take your advice :)
Thanks for this post!
Awesome post. We have had issues with mean kids and bullies and it’s been so hard for my kids to understand why people do things like this.
Dude. I love you. I just do. You’re spot on and I personally needed to be reminded of all that stuff today. Honestly, thank you.
And I heart you. So glad I was able to meet you in person.
Yep. I agree with every last thing, as i usually do with your posts.
School – gah! Mine will be in 2nd grade – and that just freaks me the fuck out.
Kindergarten wasn’t so bad – they’re all kinda still babies in kindergarten. But 1st grade – shit. That’s when their personalities really start to show, and the kid drama starts. Sucks. But Gilda gets lessons much like your own two, and it appears to be working.
You? Kick ass. I like the way you parent. Except that Yo Gabba Gabba stuff, because that show freaks me out a little.
What? Not everyone likes me?
Obviously, you’re telling me a story.
Good luck in kindergarten, The Bella. Enjoy naptime and recess while you can, kid.
Gaw, I so wish I didn’t care when people don’t like me. I can’t get over it. Unless I KNOW I did something wrong, I just can not get over it. Such a great lesson to learn and though I can preach it all day long, it just isn’t something I accept well.
It never gets easier for me to find out that people don’t like me.
Maybe I should have you coach me on it.
I am with Miss Britt.. you need to coach me on a few of those lessons..
Me, I love a good bitch session. Which makes me not a very nice person, granted, but I’m okay with that.
I think I told my kids basically the same thing when they started school. #1 I would tell them to ‘not rise to the bait.’ Bullies will learn what bugs you and keep picking until they get the reaction they want, spoil their fun by ignoring them.
I would tell them too that the best revenge against someone who doesn’t like you is ‘success.’ Do the best you can to be the best you can be, and don’t worry about the haters.
well, I am so glad you landed on planet Earth. You are a great mom and I like you :)
That, was awesome. :) Last year with school for the first time was terrifying for exactly this. We’ve had many of the same conversations. :)
Next Comments →