Out of the Mouths of Idiots.

I’m a MySpace snob. I don’t add most people and I do weekly friend deletions to weed out those who aren’t contacting me enough. I’ve deleted family members and real life friends. I don’t care – if you don’t talk to me via MySpace you won’t be on my list for long. *shrugs*

My profile is public, with the exception of a few photo albums and many blogs written there. It’s probably because of the fact that my page and my ‘Me’ photo album are public that I get so many messages. They make me laugh. They make me roll my eyes. They piss me off and they sometimes give me the vain lift I need. I’ve noticed that I get the most messages when I have this picture set as my default. Maybe I just look so gangsta with my organic headscarf that they can’t help themselves. Maybe it’s that you can see all. up. in. my nostrils. The dark under eye circles? The exposed sports bra? Who knows…

I’ll share some with you, complete, unedited and in all of their typographically erred glory.

Christopher writes:
“would love to take some pics of you will im at carolina beach for business to build up my portfolio”

You’re a liar Chris, my man. There’s not one professional picture on your profile, or mention of even the slightest interest in photography. Plus, I’m not photogenic. It takes me 50 shots to get one decent photo.

Klassic writes:
“whats good sexy how u doing im be movin to nc i wanna get to know you”

Well Klassic, that’s very nice of you. The first thing you should know is that motherfuckers that say things like ‘I’m be’ are not people that get to know more about me.

Thomas writes:
” how u doin beautiful “
I’m wonderful Thomas. Because, you know…I’m beautiful.

Pretty_Boy_Nell writes:
” dam gurl u r beautiful, who in there right mind would mess up with u? “
A dumbfuck that uses single characters to abbreviate already painfully short words when you aren’t texting while driving. That’s who.

I DO TATTOOS writes:
Subject – oh my god you got a monkey!!!
Message – yo thats hot i need to know you i want you to calll me one day so i can talk to you *10-***-**00
Not my monkey. And I wouldn’t beat yours so there’s no reason for you to want me to call you. Plus, when a man says ‘OMG’ to me he’s usually waving his hands around and wearing lip gloss.

Alex writes:
” hello how r u today? seen ur pics like them “
I’m good Alex. Thanks for asking. I seen ur pics too. Your forehead looks oily – you might want to try some blotting cloths.

Frankie writes:
” hey whuz up”
‘the fuck, Frankie?

Jack writes:
” i love that smile of yours gorgeous “
Thank you.

Todd writes:
Subject – “lets talk sometimes”
Message – “if not oh well i tried to talk to you sad face”
You’re an idiot, dude.

Jarvis writes:
” PRINCESS U R SO BEAUTIFUL I’M JARVIS NICE TO MEET CHA “
You haven’t met me Jarvis. You never will. Wanna know why?->>

TONE writes:
“ are u really married?“
That’s what it says on my profile.

Thatswuzzup writes:
Subject – “so you’re a rapper”
[READ: A bit of back story for you guys - my headline on my MySpace profile is 'My rhymes are so potent that in this small segment I made all of the ladies in the front two rows pregnant.' That is a line from a Flight of the Conchords show that I saw when they performed Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros. I'm no rapper.]
Message – “Well you r fine as hell also. Check out my baby brother in the top left hand corner of my friends sec. He wrote the hook for lean back. Hit me up, would like to hear what you got. “

REALLY? Lean Back? By Fat Joe? You mean your brother’s behind that completely out of this world lyrical phenomenon:

“…Said my niggas don’t dance,
we just pull up our pants and,
Do the Roc-away.
Now lean back, lean back, lean back, lean back.
I said my niggas don’t dance,
See we just pull up our pants and,
Do the Roc-away.
Now lean back, lean back, lean back, lean back.”

Oh fuck! It takes one hell of a creative mind to come up with that shit, please believe it. Let me start compiling my songs and get my freak’um dress on because I know I’ll have to give up some ass to work with such a mastermind! *rolls eyes*

It ain’t what you know! It’s who you know! writes:
“Hey whats up. i just wanted to say that “You are very Beautiful”. i saw that pic and i had to say something…… you have beautiful eyes….. I like that hair style on you it looks very gorgeous.
Anyhow, i just wanted to say what up, id like to comment your pics if i can have the honor of adding you…. id appreciate it.
Well, i dont just wanna comment pics, id like to shoot you some mail…….
It goes both ways,…..
Anyhow, did u have a good Valentines day sweaty…. i hope so,
Well, have a great day today and i look forward to hearing from you
be safe and take care…

Avery”

You’re very sweet Avery. But I already have an Avery in my life. And did you just call me sweaty? ‘The fuck? [Kimmlyn has a great eye - I'd forgotten that he called me sweaty.]

It ain’t what you know! It’s who you know! [again, yes] writes:
” Your a very gorgeous lady……. that smile is worth a million words….. “

Thank you Avery. You can go away now.

Play WIT MY DICK NOT MY EMOTIONS(Mr. They Hate Me) writes:
“was good boo u looking real sexy neways i was wondering wat ur name was n r u single im lamar i stay in jville neways holla back let me kno sumtin ight”
You wanna know something? I can see why they hate you. Go play with your dick. And it’s ‘aiight’ not ‘ight’. Get it right.

There are more. But you get the gist of it, eh?

Popular Posts:

• So you want to take over the internet?
• [Updated] Hoping this doesn’t turn into “Young v. Board of Education”
• I was so, so sure. And I was so, so wrong.