I wasn’t raised by my mother. She turned legal guardianship of me over to my grandparents when I was two years old, and they had been raising me long before that. For all of my childhood and most of my adolescence she lived thousands of miles from me and I called her by her first name. She never called to speak to me, she rarely visited, and gifts were few and far in between. She wrote me a letter once, when I was eleven, after my grandmother had told her I’d been getting in trouble at school. I read it up until the line that said “You will not be 12 years old forever…” then I immediately crumpled it up and threw it away, thinking she doesn’t even know how old I am.
Today, she has this habit of telling me how I was when I was a little girl.
We talk about potty training and she reminisces about how I was potty trained quickly and never had an accident. I wet the bed until I was about ten years old. She goes on and on about how my brother was behaviorally difficult from the time he entered preschool but I never was that way. I was kicked out of preschool for being such a terror. She talks to me about discussions she had with me, lessons she taught me, and none of it happened. The only memories I have of her from when I was a child are of her fighting my brother’s father and the time she came to North Carolina to visit with a bunch of our family and acted like she wanted nothing to do with me.
I don’t argue with her, I usually just nod or stare incredulously at her. I wonder if she has really convinced herself that these things actually happened. I wonder if all parents do this, if they claim memories that don’t really exist. On more than one occasion I’ve wanted to say “um, I think you are confused. I can count how many times I saw you when I was growing up on one hand.” but I don’t. I ignore it, or I talk to my grandparents and they shake their heads and mutter things like “delusional” and “crazy” and “off her rocker“. I think the three of us find it more amusing than anything else.
I asked her once, when I was a teenager, about her giving me up but keeping my younger brother and sister. She spouted off some nonsense like “you wanted to live with them, I asked you and you told me and they poisoned your mind against me“. She’ll never admit anything that would make her look like anything but a victim, and I had a wonderful childhood – much better than the one she could or would have given me – so what purpose would dredging up the past serve? I leave it be. That dog’s not just sleeping – it’s dead.
I’m grateful that unlike my mother, when my children are older, I won’t have to make up any stories about them. I’ll have real ones.
*It should be “let sleeping dogs lay” shouldn’t it?
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Listening to: Michael McDonald – I Keep Forgettin’ (Every Time You’re Near)
{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
July 7, 2010 at 1:39 pm
You are amazing! I mean that with all of my internet friend heart.
Louise´s last blog ..luv-7380-940
July 7, 2010 at 6:28 pm
*snort* Internet friend = real life as far as I’m concerned.
July 7, 2010 at 1:43 pm
Nope. Pretty sure it’s Let sleeping dogs lie.
Also? Damn right. When you look back on the memories of your daughters, they will be real, the good ones and the bad ones.
Briya´s last blog ..I can be guilt tripped all the way to the gym- apparently
July 7, 2010 at 6:29 pm
But it SHOULD be lay, right? Like in the grammatical sense?
Thank you for sharing a story that is probably a bit difficult to re-live. It is such an amazing and wonderful thing that your grandparents stepped in and made you who you are today.
Michelle´s last blog ..You do realize Bobby will be an adult some day
July 7, 2010 at 6:31 pm
No, it’s not hard. Had I been writing this 10 or so years ago, it would have been though. :)
I’m very thankful for my grandparents, for all they’ve done and still do for me. They are my parents as far as I’m concerned!
Kudos for you not flipping out on her. But you should start making up your own stories, then look at her incredulously when she doesn’t remember them.
July 7, 2010 at 6:32 pm
LMAO I should start doing that. But I mean, I tell her TRUE stories now and she does that – if they are ones that don’t paint her in a positive light. Crazy lady!
My mother was very similar – made things up to suit her conscience. My grandparents raised me from a a young teen and I’m glad they did. The three of us have similar conversations as the three of you. Your grandparents did a wonderful job and you are such an amazing mother to your daughters. I was terrified to have girls!
Karen Sugarpants´s last blog ..I Like to Twirl… Maybe in Slow Motion
July 7, 2010 at 6:33 pm
Ugh, me too! I think maybe that’s why I wanted sons so badly. I didn’t want to possibly repeat the mistakes of my mother. That’s like the worse thing anyone has ever been able to say to me, my entire life – that I’m just like my mom.
I really admire your strength Maria. Really.
July 7, 2010 at 6:35 pm
Aw, thanks. I don’t think it’s taken much strength, really. I had a fairly good support system throughout my life, despite the succubus assholes that have perforated it. :)
July 7, 2010 at 7:23 pm
My mom does/did the same thing. Except she gave custody to my father, not grandparents. And she ‘remembers’ all kinds of things from my childhood, which is funny, given that between 2 and 15, I saw her three times, maybe four. Anywhore, my point is to say that yes, I think it just goes hand in hand with, I dare say, selfish mothers.
If that’s too insulting towards yours, I apologize, but it fits mine perfectly, so.
Karen’s point, and your response, is something I’ve turned over so much – because of my mom (and my heinous dad and my gross past and on and on), I was SO concerned to have a girl. I was convinced I would taint her, break her, raise her with no self-esteem, and on and on. What I did? Pretty much at any challenge or question, stopped, thought about what either of my parents would do, and then did the opposite.
Zoeyjane´s last blog ..The day may come
July 8, 2010 at 1:27 pm
LOL, it fits, no apologies necessary. And that’s what I’ve done: the opposite of what I think she’d do. It’s worked well so far I think.
OMG! My mother is the same when it comes to memories. She did not abandon me, but she kept secrets. Not just from me, but her own parents and siblings. I often wonder if her life of living in denial has produced some fantasy existence only she lived in. For example: for years she told me that my Grandmother’s (her mother) was from Italy. She said this in front of my Aunt who thought she had gone mad as both of my Grandparents migrated from Ireland!!!
To this day anything bad she does or says she denies it and has a fabricated story of the events. I am 42 now and am still discovering truths about my childhood that were hidden from me or completely different from the imagery she presented to me. The amount of betrayal and resentment I feel towards her is staggering. And even after discussing it, she still doesn’t se why.
simplyRik´s last blog ..Damn Hot-
July 8, 2010 at 1:29 pm
That must be incredibly hard, I can’t imagine finding out things just now. I’m grateful that my grandparents didn’t shield me from the realities of my life when I was growing up. I think that’s why I’ve been able to deal so well.
I had an aunt who used to tell me about all the times she babysat me and blah, blah. Turns out, she never once babysat me (my mom was like, “She was ALWAYS crazy – like I’d let her watch you!”), and none of the stories were true. She was seriously insane. But she liked me, anyway, and I guess that’s okay.
Sybil Law´s last blog ..Nutty
July 8, 2010 at 1:31 pm
LMAO well then maybe my mom is insane too, haha. My uncle (her brother) does it as well, so it could just be a genetic thing. Lying crazy folk.
I think grammatically it should be lay but that isn’t the quote.
It’s sad (and kind of funny) that your mom makes up the memories. Real memories are so much better.
Kristin´s last blog ..The heat has baked my brain
July 8, 2010 at 1:33 pm
YES THEY ARE. Well, in my case, with my children. I can understand (almost) why she’s in denial over the real ones she and I (don’t) share.
My dad left when I was two and I’ve only seen him a handful of times over the years-I’m 39. Yet, every single time we’re in the same room he stares hard and comments on how I look like him, have one of his gestures or even that we have the same freckles. No shit, dude. If you saw me often, you’d know this stuff, I didn’t hatch yesterday. It’s disconcerting to me that he has no idea who I am, but like you, I realize that ship has sailed. My favorite moment- I took his mother to his 5th wedding (yes, his 5th) and was hit on by all his co-workers because he told them I was pretty and needed to be shown a good time while I was in town. I was married at the time. He said he forgot that little tidbit about my life. But, hey, not everybody is lucky enough to have a real pimp daddy…
July 8, 2010 at 1:35 pm
“No shit, dude. If you saw me often, you’d know this stuff, I didn’t hatch yesterday.” That made me lol. Sometimes I wish my relationship with her was better, that she’d at least own up to the ways she failed me and want to start fresh. But instead, she’s jealous that my grandparents treat me like their daughter instead of their granddaughter and we don’t really get along. Eh.
July 8, 2010 at 8:44 am
Your mother lies. The past lies. Sleeping dogs lie. Lol.
You are right to leave it if it brings you no peace to speak on it. And no, not all parents do that. But my mother does. I think some would kill themselves otherwise so it’s basically a survival tactic.
July 8, 2010 at 1:36 pm
I don’t think my mom falls into that category. She’s just a terrible, terrible mother. She’s proved that with both me and my brother. We’ll see what happens with my sister.
Yes, it should be “lay”, but there’s something comforting about old constructions, like “wend one’s way”. No one using “wend” except as the past tense of “go”, except in that one phrase.
My Mum did (mostly) raise me, but she makes up bizarre stories too. I think my mommy blogging thing is a defense against developing the crazy myself. If I didn’t write it down at the time, it likely never happened.
Sadia´s last blog ..Brain damage
July 8, 2010 at 1:57 pm
I’m glad I have this blog as well. It should help me keep things in order. That’s the plan at least. And I have another blog where I write to them, which helps too.
My mother sucked, too.
Your girls are so adorable. I could so steal them!
ɹǝƃƃolquǝʞoʇ tokenblogger´s last blog ..Not the fruit of the vine…
July 8, 2010 at 1:58 pm
That picture was over a year ago now, I’m reeling. They look so different now! Still adorable though. :)
July 8, 2010 at 1:09 pm
I love you. I wish I had something witty or insightful to say… I don’t. I just want you to know I love you, that’s all. :)
sam {temptingmama}´s last blog ..Mothers
July 8, 2010 at 1:59 pm
Aw, I love you too! xoxo
My mom does the same thing and I do not have the personal restraint not to call her on it. Different set of circumstances- but she definitely has revised history in her mind to make herself the victim in everything- therefore having no guilt over her choices. One of my favorite quotes is, “Sometimes a clear conscience is nothing more than a poor memory.”
My Mom changes things to make herself look a bit better. For example, when I got married to a girl I met on the internet she [and my Dad] didn’t approve and at the time boycotted my wedding. If you ask them now, they didn’t attend because they could afford the trip to England [where I moved]. Then I was told that my wedding present would be a plane ticket home when it didn’t work out – I’m still here and it’ll be 11 years in December. Then, when they visited four years later it turned out that actually they wanted to wait to get me a present so they could see where I lived and tailor it better.
There’s no way would they have cut me loose like that, so I must have it wrong!
But like you, I think it is better to let sleeping dogs lay [!].
Your grandparents sound really great.
Amy´s last blog ..Stay standing still
Goddamnit I love you. So much.
Mr Lady´s last blog ..Real World Killed the Video Star
It’s “lie.” As in the present tense, because dogs that are sleeping are lying, so they should continue to lie. If it were “lay,” that would be the past tense of the verb “to lie,” as in “to recline.”
July 12, 2010 at 3:14 pm
Though it’s not the same thing at all, growing up I had a friend who had fake memories like that. She always got things very, very wrong, and I’m still not sure whether it was on purpose or because she was just a compulsive liar or something. Either way, it drove me so crazy that I couldn’t be friends with her anymore. Any time I tried to point it out to her, she just insisted I was wrong.
I think you should call your mother on it when she does this. I would go all the way and tell her those things never happened and that she needs to stop making shit up, but that’s just crazy little me. (;
Elizabeth Kaylene´s last blog ..Popi
I think that’s why I want to write down as much as possible about this time in my life with my kids. Because I know that I will alter it in my mind and that they will have completely different takes on everything. I just want to be able to recall as much as possible.
You are a better person than I. I would have a hard time not calling her on it…
tracey´s last blog ..The mystery is revealed-
I Stumbled upon an atheist article on your blog, i enjoyed it.
jumped to your homepage and read this article… i’m now a fan.
also i want to give you a hug for have a bit of a crazy/absent mum.
Thanks for this … -I LOATH THE WORD BLOG- …Internet video diary!
Jim
It seems she created this whole dillusional world for her to be able to cope I suppose. She did you a favor by letting your grandparents raise you.