Not really. I mean yes, I’m single now, but not so ready to mingle. I just have always thought that saying was amusing. When else do you get to use the word ‘mingle’ or any of its variations? Never, that’s when. So I use it when I can.
I love this boy, absolutely. He has my heart. As much of it as I am able to relinquish at least. He is sweet and funny and cute and passionate and loyal and giving and amazing and this and that. So much so that this relationship is so uneventful and easy that it’s boring. I have dreamt of marrying him, of living a long forever with his arms around my waist. I can think of no one better to raise my girls with, to set an example for what a man, a lover, a friend, a step-father should be, but…I don’t know.
We broke up over the weekend. It caught everyone off guard because it was a choice I made alone, without reaching to anyone for support or advice. I needed to be sure that it was all me – all my choice. It’s so easy to listen to others when you’re unsure about something; you end up doing what you think you should do rather than what you really should, which usually turns out being what ‘makes sense’ or what others suggest.
Something’s not right and that something is me. I can’t quite figure out where my head is but I know it’s not where it should be. Much of the time lately I haven’t wanted anything to do with him. I am an extremely difficult person to handle in a relationship, for many reasons. I blow hot and cold. I’m impossible to please. I can be very cutting when I’m angry or frustrated (and as sensitive and emotional as he is, that’s a terrible thing). I only communicate when I want to. I could go on. For a while now, sucking’s pretty much all I’m capable of in this, and I don’t want to be that way. I need be out of this. Get my shit together, figure out whether I even want to do this anymore.
I’m confused right now, but certain that I need to be alone. He won’t let me go and it’s making this harder. He wants me to tell him that it’s over forever and I feel like I can’t because I don’t know, but I do know that he won’t stop waiting for me unless I say it’s hopeless. I’m not sure if that’s unfair of me or him. I don’t want him to wait. I tell him yes! this is forever! final! but he doesn’t listen. I tell him I’m not sure. I don’t know. and he takes that to mean that I’m not serious. He brings up the girls, how much they all love each other, how he wishes they were his, how they’ve accepted him as a father figure in some ways and it makes me so mad. They have nothing to do with this decision, it feels like he’s using them as a ploy. If I was making this choice based on what they wanted, I’d stay with him. They love him, and how can they not? He tells me I don’t know how much he loves me, how it isn’t fair for me to do this to him again and I tell him it’s not about him. This is about me. Not them, not him, me.
This past year has been wonderful. I have been happier than I have been in so long. I am still happy: my happiness isn’t contingent on this relationship although this relationship has brought me much of it. I’m not sad about this being over. I know the polite thing to do when hearing this sort of news is to offer condolences, but they really aren’t required, or wanted. For me at least: I can’t speak for him. It might seem cold, but really it’s not. I’m feeling quite a bit, but I think it’s a good thing, mostly because it’s necessary, no matter what the eventual outcome is. It’s fine.
I’m sure this post is incoherent, but that’s just where I’m at. In summation, Joey and I have broken up but the finality of it has yet to be decided. For the next while I’ll try to figure that out. We’ll see how it goes.
There’s this girl in my life, this girl with a love of t-shirts that rivals my own, that will cry over anything and everything lovely and sweet, that laughs with all the zest of a child, and will defend those she loves with a terrifying vengeance. She is too beautiful for words, inside and out. She deserves everything life has to offer and more. And I love her.
Last year when I wrote Miss’ birthday post, I hadn’t met her yet. This year, that seems impossible. I’m trying to figure out what life was like before the first time I felt her arms wrapped around me, squeezing all the air out of my lungs because she’s surprisingly strong. Life before I caught those contagious tears, doubled over in fits of laughter with her and realized that we roll our eyes at the same things, the same way. She is one of my very best friends, having been my main source of support, love and kicks in the ass over the past year in ways and situations I have absolutely no interest in detailing. She knows, I know, that’s all that matters.
Our lives are so different now than they were then, in many ways. She and I don’t talk as much as we used to but, in a way, it’s a positive thing. There’s no more pain and uncertainty to support each other through. Our relationship is solid, built on so much more than instant messages and phone calls – it stands on faith in each other, on loyalty and pure adulation for one another.
She’d be pleased to know that I’m sitting here blinking back tears as I type this, it always amuses her when I admit to it. It makes me think of our goodbye in Chicago last year, when I was trying to tell her and the rest of our friends how much they meant to me, but I couldn’t get it out, the words choked back by my heart swelling out of my chest with the love I felt. She held my hands as I struggled and we both tried to still our quivering bottom lips before just engulfing one another in a hug because it just wasn’t coming out, but she and they knew what I was trying to say.
In a few months, I’ll see her again. It’s been too long. There’s only so many ways to tell her I love her from across the country and I plan on making sure she knows just how much I do when we’re together in New York. I’ve got the Chicago ready, all I need to do is press play.
OMG BITCH I LOVE YOU. Let’s continue driving each other insane forever, yes?
I had my hair cut. I was tattooed by a super cute I think Irish guy with red hair. I got straight A’s. I stopped blogging so much and started twittering more. I kept reading everyone else, but quit trying to weasel out extra time in my days to comment.I found out that I’m not the only woman in the world that deduces exactly why celebrity men are hot. I discovered Supernatural. I battled an addiction to Chester’s Flaming Hot Fries. I saw Death Cab For Cutie live and it made me respect and like them so much more. I struggled with some demons and conquered them.
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I met the most awesome-st, sweetest, best guy in the whole world who thinks I hung the moon (his words, not mine) and happens to be so cute I can barely stand it (WIN.). In less than a month it’ll be a whole year we’ve been together. We had some ups and downs, and they were all my fault (no like seriously, every single issue we’ve had, big or small, was my fault). He’s not really done one thing wrong the entire time I’ve known him and I’m pretty confident that he’ll never hurt me. It feels really good to feel like that. When you’re in a bad relationship for so long, you start to expect bullshit and harsh treatment, from everyone all of the time. It makes you bitter and defensive and just an overall pain in the ass.Well, it made me like that. In the back of my head, I knew that Joey and I would end or that it would turn ugly, and I went on my usual self destructing path and tried to sabotage it, even though I knew I didn’t want to lose it. I broke up with him at one point, pretty much convinced that I didn’t love him. Know why? Because I believed that if I loved him, I’d have the passion for him that I had for my ex. Where passion equals hatred.
I was in this…mindset. I needed sporadic friction. I needed to push and be pushed to breaking points and then build things back up (to tear them down again later). That’s how I expressed love and that’s how it was expressed to me. “Hey, let me really fuck with you, say and do some hurtful, unforgivable shit. Let me make you feel like complete crap and then let’s be okay again, because no matter how mad we make each other, we can always kiss and makeup.” What the fuck? … J. and I were really messed up. It took moving on to see that. Joey stuck by me while I worked all of that out. He believed in us, even when I didn’t, and it has made all the difference.
Anyway, yeah, I’m not like that anymore. I’m not having those inner struggles, I’m totally happy with this boy that I love and my girls love and who loves us back. But enough about Joey, I don’t want him to get a big head.
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One of the true highlights of the year was BlogHer ’09, and not the conference. I mean the conference was wonderful, as usual, and I got to hang out with some really awesome people but the real joy was traversing all over Chicago with my makeshift band of sisters. They’re all amazing, and I can’t wait to see them again in 6 8 months.
These two are physical proof that the internet is the best place to make friends. That the relationships we form through blogging are real and just as valid and marvelous as those nurtured in person. They’re not just beautiful, but they have hearts made of gold and primrose. They helped me get through tough times with sound advice and open arms and I love them. Also, all three of us went from competing for BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG EX to BEST BOYFRIEND IN THE UNIVERSE. Happily? There’s really been no clear cut winner in the latter category and probably never will be. I’m jealous that they live much closer to each other than they probably ever will to me, but you know. It’s ok. Makes me more special since I’m seen so much less. Heh.
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My baby started school ohmygod and she’s doing wonderfully. She loves it. My other baby stopped sucking her thumb, simply because I told her to which I hear is pretty awesome. They grew and flourished and turned 6 and 4 years old. They challenged me and made me a better person, again and again. They showed how resilient they are, how smart and calculated they can be. They made strides towards becoming the young women I hope they will be, tough and beautiful and intelligent and loving. For the first time we celebrated holidays and birthdays a new family, and they didn’t miss a beat.
They also have like THE best fashion sense in the world – especially The Bella. That girl can throw together an outfit. Did you know she wants to be a dentist that moonlights as a clothing or interior designer? She’s currently drawing designs for her new t-shirt collection as I type. Seems like a unique aspiration for a Kindergartner, and I completely support it. Goobie wants to be a Dr. Princess, which is totally average, but still totally awesome.
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So yeah, my year was wonderful. Except I gained 15 pounds. Small price to pay for bliss, I guess. How was yours?
Those are real questions that I’ve received over just the last week. My answer to all of these questions is this:
“None of your business.”
It may sound harsh but it’s the only answer I feel like giving. If I had it to do over, I wouldn’t have exposed my relationship with him so much. That is to say that while cardboard love would still be up and running, there would be no links on the about page to our blogs, it would be a pretty well kept secret of who the artist and the muse were. I can’t take it back though, and most of the time I don’t mind really: I’ve met some beautiful people and read some beautiful things because of it.
I understand, and I appreciate, that people are invested in our relationship, but I’d much rather they took more interest in their own love lives. It stifles my openness to know that there are people out there, reading my words, looking at my pictures, and dissecting all of it. Trying to find hidden meanings, different interpretations. It makes me want to shut everyone out and not blog about being in or out of love at all.
I think after I have everything sorted out, in my head – not necessarily meaning with he and I – that I’ll be fine writing about it all. Whatever ‘it’ is. I am a complicated person. My life, my relationships are so much more complex than anyone online knows. Hard to believe, but I don’t write about everything here. I couldn’t even if I wanted to, which I don’t.
I have a pretty good idea what the future will hold for Joey and I. But I’m not willing to prance it out for the rest of the world. Not right now at least.
