The Children of The Fly

I was having a conversation with The Bella last week. She saw a fly on the floor of the kitchen, kicking its legs. She asked me why he was down there and I said that he looked to be dying and that’d he probably flown into the wall or something.

“Well that’s a pretty big wall, I know he saw it – why did he fly into it?” she asked.

“I dunno, maybe he just didn’t want to live anymore.” I responded. Please don’t ask me why this awfully morbid answer was the one I gave her, it just came out. Blame it on just having read that they cut the suicide scene [and therefore Captain America's cameo] out of The Incredible Hulk and having that on the brain.

“Why? Won’t his family miss him? Won’t his children miss him?” she asked, her brows furrowed.

“Yes, probably.“

“Then he shouldn’t fly into walls.“

At that point another fly zoomed in through the gap between the not quite closed screen door and the door frame and settled on the kitchen table. The Bella walked over to it, bent down to eye level and said “I think you’d better go check on your father. He flew into a wall on purpose but maybe if he knew you’d miss him he won’t die.”

————- ———–

I attempted suicide in November 2005. Goobie was only 10 days old. I swallowed a bottle of Darvocet that had been prescribed for the cesarean pain. J called poison control and forced me to the hospital yelling at me to keep consciousness on the way there, as I was drifting in and out. They locked me up. With a bunch of true crazies. I saw a psychiatrist who asked me why I did it. I told her that I was tired. I was just so, so very tired. She told me I had post partum depression and put me on Zoloft.

Did I really want to die? I honestly don’t know. I think I did then. It wasn’t a ploy for attention, I know that, although to see J. actually be nice to me for once was a welcome change and I remember thinking ‘Shit, all I have to do is take too many pills every few weeks and you’ll treat me like you ought to?’

I haven’t tried it, or considered it since. And although I think that if someone wants to kill themselves they should be allowed to [yeah, I know - so horrible, but that's a whole other blog], and although whenever I hear about someone failing at suicide I think “Damn, that’s got to suck: not even being able to off yourself right“, I’m glad I failed. I wouldn’t want my children to miss me.

Sidebar: The Incredible Hulk was excellent. No Iron Man, but hey – what is?  I’ll be boycotting the next installments if Edward Norton isn’t brought back on. Don’t beg someone to do your movie, agree to his terms, and then pull the rug from under him at the very last moment. That’s just bad business. And believe me Marvel – seeing Bruce Banner attempt suicide would have been no worse than seeing the abomination  throw a few people into walls for the young ones. I will still be seeing the Avengers though – make no mistake about that. Wooo Thor! And woo Captain America!

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