This post is about Gossip Girl.

It’s not a secret that I’m a television snob. Save for Jersey Shore, I don’t really watch bad television. Sounds like an oxymoron, sort of – all television could be considered bad – but I try stick with quality and support shows I feel merit their own existence.* A couple of weeks ago I polled Twitter and asked what show I should watch after I finished Modern Family (which is so fucking brilliant). A few people suggested Gossip Girl, which I had never been interested in before but knew had many many hot boys so I was willing to give it a chance. Well, I’ve watched it. All of it. All three seasons.

It is terrible. No really, it is one of the most terrible shows I have ever seen in my entire life. The plot lines are not only stolen from other shows, but they are recycled, over and over. People date each other, people lie to each other, people hate each other, people do bad things when they meant to do good things, etc. And they cause their own problems. Always. There is never an issue they are confronted with that couldn’t be easily solved, but no – that’d be too easy. They have to exacerbate it, yet I’m supposed to empathize with them? That’s hard enough when they are all worth more than my life. Pshaw.

Serena – Someone kill this leggy bitch, please. I hate her pursed lips, her frizzy hair, her constantly rolling eyes. I hate her seedy past, I hate how she always lies about everything to everyone and the reason is ALWAYS FUCKING STUPID, yet she always wants someone to trust her, or gets her thong in a bunch when someone questions her or doubts her. I think the real reason I hate her so passionately is because we’re not supposed to. We’re not supposed to view her as the antihero – that’s Blair. We’re supposed to root for Serena, cheer her on and laugh that adorable laugh with her. Fuck. that. I hope this show ends the same way The L Word did, with her playing the part of Jenny Schecter.

Blair – See, you’re supposed to hate Blair, but I don’t. Because she’s honest. She’s like ‘fuck you I’mma do me‘, and that’s it. I don’t like her, but I don’t hate her either.

Jenny – Hate her. Scheming little tart. But, at least her story line is interesting. I’m supposed to hate her too, and I do. I hate her so much, and I knew I’d always hate her when she fucked with my honey Eric. And she has probably the best father, ever, and shits all over him too. It’s more than teenage angst – she’s a little monster. She’s incredibly lucky and supremely ungrateful.

Nate – I don’t even know how I feel about him. He has horrible hair and beautiful eyes. He’s alright I guess.

Chuck – It really rubbed me the wrong way that everyone so quickly overlooked that he tried to rape Jenny in the first episode, and someone mentioned that he had two types of conquests – ‘willing’ and ‘not’. It was just accepted like “aw, he’s just Chuck! That’s what he does! Rape children!” But, later, I just couldn’t help but adore him. He’s my favorite character by far. Flawed and marvelous. Sexy, even though he looks like a narrow eyed gorilla. Every time he says “I’m Chuck Bass” my underwear seep off.

Dan – OMG SHUT UP. We get it, you’re smart and you’re quirky and you’re the perfect boy with your vinyls and books and not-too-tight but just tight enough jeans. But you’re annoying and judgmental and you say “uhhh” too much when talking and you don’t know how to handle women and you make the same mistakes over and over and I don’t like you. Just shut up.

Vanessa – YOU TOO. SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH. You self righteous ninny.

Georgina – DIAF. I’d start frothing at the mouth if I got into how much I hate her, so I’ll just leave it alone.

Biggest Pet Peeve – The Cellphones. Are you kidding me? How many times are they going to pull the “I have something so important to tell you but it just CAN’T wait but oh shit the phone just rang so the moment is ruined and I’ll not tell you now but try to explain later!” ploy? Also, how many important phone calls have been ignored, or hung up on? And why does no one check or return voicemails? JUST DON’T EVEN HAVE CELLPHONES! Not to mention that these supposedly rich as shit people have crappy flip phones (who uses those?!).

But, despite all of that, I can’t stop watching.  Although I recently found out that they are bumping down Chuck Bass to a recurring character, and making Georgina a main character. Chuck is the best thing on that show and less of him means more of SUCK and Georgina makes me want to pluck my eyes out so I may be able to forgo upcoming seasons without regret. We’ll see what else is on.

*My favorites of late: Justified and Treme.

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Listening to: Sting – When We Dance

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Tagged as: gossip girl, i didn't proofread, i take these things too seriously, television